Escape from Hell
Jake Cosmos Aller
Comment: This is based on a dream that I had. Part of the story is true. I did dream of meeting my wife eight years before I met her. see the following for more details, or buy the book, “Dreams and the Unexplainable” available through the Chicken Book for the Soul publishers. End Comment
This is based on a true story. Jake Lee, my oldest friend told me this story and I went along with him to Hell and back to retrieve his wife. My name is Matt J and I was the second in command of this operation. I have changed the names, places and some specific incidents to protect both the guilty and the innocent. To begin with, you must understand this. Hell is a real place, with real demons and real punishments. It is a lot worse than any of us imagine and it is both more real and unreal at the same time. It exists and does not exist at the same time in a weird parallel universe., where time in Hell and time on earth don’t correspond.
Once someone dies and goes to Hell he continues to live on in a manner of speaking; he does not really die but he cannot live in this world during the light of day. They become the undead and are like the vampires of legend (who do exist but that is another story). So, those condemned to hell, live on in eternal torture and turmoil and they also must work. Hell is full of workers working as slaves to keep the machinery going. And Hell is a growing place – most people on earth end up there. Running hell requires lots of workers. And being a slave in Hell is no picnic my friends.
Despite its reputation as a lawless place, it is a very legalistic place. Satan employs an army of lawyers (no shortage of fresh lawyers) and bureaucrats to run his domain. Despite his rules and regulations and lawyers, hell is mostly a horribly run bureaucratic nightmare run by evil, mendacious, corrupt and incompetent demons. But, there are a few loopholes to the rules, and a few strange quirks to the law and even Satan obeys these special rules.
One of them is rule number 214 B of the Galactic code. The code governs the operation of the universe and is a very legalistic document. Rule 214 B states that, if a sentient being, a human being, arrives in hell by mistake because of a screwup in the computerized system that runs both heaven and hell and the whole other computer systems that run this world, and someone from our world gets to hell and back out with their loved one in tow, both the falsely condemned and the lover who rescue them are entitled to live a long life in this world and then automatically arrive in heaven. This rule is almost never enforced because almost no one on our world has ever figured out how to get to Hell, and once there has never figured out how to get back out. Many have died trying and end up in hell for their pains.
But there are ways, my friends. There are ways. Jake found the way and this is his story.
Jake was a tall youthful-looking man for a man in his 60’s. He still had hair and intense blue eyes and although he walked with a bit of a limp, he was in fairly good shape and worked out every day. Jake had retired from a lifetime of government service and was living in SF as a pensioner. He had dreams of being a writer but was not getting too far with his various novels. One day his spouse went to the store and was blown up when a suicide bomber blew up the car in front of her. Just another victim of the constant terrorism that had bedeviled the world since before the second gulf war.
Jake was devastated. He could not imagine life without his spouse. They had been married for almost 35 years by then and he was looking forward to the remaining years together. They had no children but still had lots of friends from around the world from their days in government service and from the old neighborhood that he had grown up in.
Dreaming Angela Was In Hell
That night, Jake had a dream that would haunt him the rest of life. Every night the same image – his wife was in Hell and was screaming while being tortured by demons wielding whips and chains. She was yelling repeatedly that she was not supposed to be there. Her tormentors, five or six demons wearing red suits and white ties, laughed and said that she was right – it was a screw up in the computer programs that sent her there. She was due in heaven but hey once she was there what could they do about it? She might as well get used to the idea.
The cost of fighting the screw up would be millions of dollars and where was she going to get the money, anyway? Hell had no currency other than smuggled money and the loan sharks took most of the loan in interest. There were lawyers in Hell but they had to be paid upfront, and all the various functionaries had to be paid off. And God and Satan had a non-interference rule, once someone arrived they were entitled to stay. and God’s lawyers did not offer legal aid. There were just too many cases and so there was nothing to be done. The devils said, and the torture started again and she faded away.
Meeting Angela in a Dream
The dream continued night after night. Jake believed the dream was real because this was the second dream of meeting his wife he had in his life. . When he was in high school he had fallen asleep in a physics class and had a dream where he saw standing next to him the most beautiful woman in the world. She disappeared from his dream and he fell down to the ground yelling “ who are you?” as the class erupted in laughter at Jake’s strange antics. He had the dream as he called it for seven years. When he had to decide where to go in the Peace Corps, Korea or Thailand, he had the dream again and knew she was in Korea waiting for him.
A year after the Peace Corps ended Jake was preparing to return to the States for graduate school when he had the final dream. In the dream, she told him
“. 걱정마, 자기야, 우린 영원히 함께 할거야
geogjeongma, jagiya, ulin yeong-wonhi hamkke halgeoya
Don’t worry, baby, we will be together soon forever.”
They met that night and got married two months later. Jake always recalled the dream and therefore he knew that his wife was somehow trying to communicate to him and he knew that this second dream was as real as the first dream had been.
Hell is Real
Jake decided to do a little research into this hell business. He got on the internet and read as much as he could find as much as he could find out, and hit the occult bookstores in the City and in Berkeley, and even on the dark net. After a few weeks of reading everything he could find on the subject concluded that were three basic schools of thought:
Hell was a myth and did not of course exist (majority opinion)
Hell might have existed in ancient times but not in this enlightened modern era. (minority opinion)
Hell existed and was real. Only problem was almost no one ever went there voluntarily and came back. (this was the majority belief among the occult writers and other assorted nut
Jake took to visiting all the various occult bookstores in the city and elsewhere. He became obsessive about finding out everything that had ever been written about hell. He continued haunting these stores and visiting all the various internet sites that he began to be well known as the “man who wants to rescue his wife from hell.” Jake will tell people the story repeatedly and most people thought he was a harmless old man gone batty because he had lost his wife in the terrorist bombing.
Most of his friends advised him to forget about it and get on with his life. They told him to get back to work on his novels. Some tried to fix him up with women but he refused all such requests. He was truly a man obsessed.
He finally found a few obscure references to the way to hell in some writings in the Necronomicon (Al Asif) by the mad Arab poetry, Abdul Aliased, and other longed banned occult texts as well as references in various occult publications and writers including Crowley and others, and Christian and Islamic writings. He also read the founder of the Church of Satan claimed he had been to hell and back. After consulting these references, Jake decided he could locate Hell. Jake sat down on Saturday night and did a final re-reading of all his many volumes of material on Hell. His apartment was filled to the rim with books, articles, print outs of web pages and the like. Jake worked all night and at last, he shut down his computer. He poured himself a cup of coffee and looked at what he had written.
Entrances to Hell
Jake decided he had a decent plan of action. He had learned from his readings of rule number 214 B and decided to pull it off. The last attempt that was successful was in the 19th century. Hell, it seemed had several portals that interconnected with this world. One theory was that hell existed in a parallel universe as did Heaven. There were several places where Hell interconnected with Earth. Quite a few sites came to mind, some of them were even listed on various internet sits as “gateways” to hell. What distinguished them all was they were in neighborhoods and regions of the earth where evil things seem to happen for no reason. In other words, the gates to hell ran through neighborhoods denounced as “hell holes.” And every big city had them. Some more than others.
You see the demons and other lower-level functionaries of hell occasionally needed to get out of hell. The rules were that they could leave hell once a month on the full moon but had to be back in hell by sunrise. They had to get special passes which were rewarded to the devil of the month as well as a form of leave. If they did not make it back in time they were condemned to hell themselves as an ordinary inmate, not as demon functionary. And in hell you did not want to be a “defrocked devil” so to speak as the other inmates would make your life a living hell and of course your fellow demons would mock you forever as a looser.
So, the devils would dress up as humans and leave hell and wander the dark corners of big cities, and engage in crime and random violence including rape, robbery, drunken brawls and the like. But they needed cash to do so. Hell did not run on currency; everything was paid for by the State. It was, in a way, a perfect communist society. and thus the devils were always looking for ways to gain illegal cash, most favored US dollars.
Most hell holes ended up in the U.S. for some reason. NYC, LA, SF, Las Vegas, Chicago, Moscow, London, Tokyo, Bangkok, Manilla were the key hell holes of choice. Las Vegas was highly sought out as the devils had some special abilities and could manipulate cards and machines without detection and return with lots of cash that they could loan out to the loan sharks for a pretty profit.
One day Jake came upon a description of hell written by a man who had gone to Hell to find and locate his wife. He managed to get out of hell alive but without his wife. He had a very detailed map of hell. According to this book, published in the 40’s, Hell had a stop on the NYC City subway line, deep underneath the Hell’s Kitchen area of NYC. That was probably the easiest access point as Satan and his henchmen often went to NYC to conduct business as Satan ran a number of businesses in the world. The book, Hell is real, was a best selling occult/Christian book in the 40’s and 50’s but had long been out of print. Jake found it at an occult book seller in Berkeley which specialized in books on Hell and the underworld. The owner of the book store encouraged Jake in his mad quest.
The author also described the details of Hell’s horrific, terribly corrupt bureaucracy. He said everything was for sale, and the currency of choice was US dollars. Many of the lower echelon officials dreamed of escaping Hell and many manage to bribe their way out for a weekend of fun in NYC or the other dozen hell holes in the world. But NYC was the number one choice for the devils on a pass. That is why NYC and the other hell holes have always had very strange crimes reported now and then. The denizens of hell while on earth look like humans but are very wild, violent, and crazy, as if they are very high, and most of them are. Most devils and demons were once human beings who received promotions to devil status while in Hell. So they come out and commit horrific crimes and then disappear at sunlight, and they received bonus points for killing people who were due in hell anyway. Most were given targets to kill while on their hell pass.
He said that the first light of the sun instantly vaporized the undead unless they had taken special drugs beforehand. Those vaporized arrived back in hell where they faced torture for failure to return on time. He said this accounts for the various stories about vampires, werewolves, devils, trolls, goblins, and monsters of all sort. Most were devils out for a night of wilding in the big city. But there were also agents of Hell on earth who took special drugs to prevent being vaporized. These Hell demons worked for Satan in his various criminal enterprises and worked with the underground in furtherance of Satan’s plans. He also said that Satan and Hitler had both died and were brought back by the devil himself. Both Hitler and Stalin were working on a secret plot to open a permanent portal to the netherworld. But God and his secret police discovered the plot and told Satan that was in violation of numerous rules governing the operation of Hell.
Denizens of hell could escape to the surface at night but must return to Hell at dawn. That was the rule. Satan had to abandon project 666 which would have brought Stalin and Hitler and an army of demons to the surface to rule the world ushering in Armageddon. God put a stop to that nonsense for now. For some reason, though Satan loved the 30’s and all his guards dressed in zoot suits and spoke 30’s English, German or Japanese. That is why in Hell all the guards wear 30’s gangster clothing as that was Satan’s favorite period of world history.
Jake read another old legend dating back centuries that stated that there was only one known way to enter hell and come out alive. As an addendum to rule 214 B, rule 212 (A) 6 (c) provided that if rule 214 B otherwise applies, i.e. someone is in hell by mistake, and if their relative goes to hell to retrieve said lost relative and manages to return to the surface he will be given 50 years additional life as well as 50 years for his spouse, child or parent. But of course, if he fails to return to the surface he will join his spouse in hell forever. And only a few brave mortals had ever attempted the journey. This was a bylaw written by Satan himself as Satan appreciate such acts of selfless courage.
Jake called together about 10 of his friends from all over the world and explained the situation to them. They all said that he was crazy but what the hell. It sounded like a lark so they were in. Jake told them that he believed Angela was there and he had to try to rescue her. Jake reminded them that he had met Angela in a dream when he was in high school, and his dreams often came true.
So, they got everything together. Jake had bought ten zoot suites complete with fedora hats, and had managed to find some antique but serviceable Tommy guns through a friend of his who had contacts in the underworld. The story was slowly making the rounds that there was this crazed American who was convinced that Hell was real and his wife was there, and damned fool that he was he was going to rescue her.
Of course, no one believed this story, including those human agents of Satan that lived everywhere lurking among the gangsters and criminal elements running various criminal enterprises supplying Satan and his top staff with luxury goods, especially fine whiskey and drugs. The agents of Satan, who called themselves” Hells’s Demons” all had a laugh, imagining a crazed old man trying to break into hell. But no one wanted to report that story through official channels as the paperwork would be well “Hellish” and no one wanted to be tasked with finding this crazy old man and bring him in for questioning. Satan and his demons had a soft spot for such tales.
Several of the demons vowed secretly to help Jake out if he ever made it through the portal and send the word out unofficially to be on the lookout for this crazy old man and let him be and not report the incident. And thus Hell Central HQ never heard the story, officially, thank God. Finally the day came. Jake had consulted several astrologers, tarot card readers, mediums and they all agreed that the plan was audacious but doable. Jake had to crash through the subway gate, tell the guards that if they let him in he would bring them out and pay them in real currency. Jake thought that should work. He had the clothes, looked the part of internal inspectors (the feared Hell Secret Police, the Gestapo of the underworld). One of Jake’s occult book store contacts made up some official-looking identity cards that identified us as special agents undercover on the surface world who had to interrogate a suspect deep inside. Our cover story was that we had to bring her to the surface to identify a traitor to the satanic cause. All my contacts in the occult world thought that might really work given Satan’s business enterprises in NYC, but no one really knew as no one had ever come back alive.
Jake’s books advised taking millions of dollars with him so he could bribe his way into hell and back out again. Jake decided he needed two to four million dollars. He put up his property, liquidated his assets and had about 4 million in cash. It took some time to get all the cash together. Due to various anti-crime and anti-money laundering bills, it was very difficult to withdraw large amounts of cash. And Jake knew that if he told the true story, well no one would take him serious and the word might somehow reach Hell’s Demons and therefore Hell HQ might learn of the plot. Jake had to finally go to a loan shark and pay for his cash with cashier’s checks. But he finally had the cash in hand, in 20 dollar bills.
Jake’s plan was simple – recruit 10 of his oldest and best friends to come with him on his rescue mission. He knew that none of them would believe him until they entered the gates of hell but he was sure they would stick with him to the bitter end. He figured that the immunity from future stays in hell would apply to them as well as to him. Jake started talking with his friends and eventually recruited ten people to his crusade. They, of course, thought he was crazy but perhaps he was telling the truth and besides it beat the hell of staying at home enjoying retirement.
Jake called his gang of followers together for a planning meeting. 10 people showed up. General G. Patrick, ex-marine, was the first to show up. He thought that Jake was crazy and had been since high school, but hey if he wants to play a game, he was in.
Bob, the retired actor, showed up next. He also was quite amused by the whole thing but thought what the heck. It might be fun.
Keith came in next with his wife, Maggie. Keith was a minor millionaire developer., ex-con man and ex-felon. He was the one who had introduced Jake to the money launderer.
Matt and his wife were there as well. Matt was a retired financial planner and was a logistics whiz. Jake planned on making him second in command.
David S was also a real estate developer and planner. He was also into the occult and had helped Jake find source materials. Jim D was a computer wizard who also had studied Hell stories for a book he had written and was considered one of the word’s leading authority on the legends of Hell. He believed Jake and helped find the maps to Hell that they needed to relied upon. Jim D had introduced Jake to his friend, Sara S, who ran the occult bookstore, and she rounded out the team.
Jake started the meeting off.
“Guys, thanks for coming. I know I have been boring the “hell” out of you, pun intended, for the last four or five months. But, what you don’t know is that I have found the gates to hell and have located where my wife is. I also know you don’t believe me when I tell you the dreams I have been having.
I went to CAL and had them record my dream onto a disk using the technology that they have just developed. I’d like to play it for you. Afterwards, you can decide if you wish to come along on the adventure of the century or not. For if we succeed in proving Hell exists, and come back alive we will be the most famous explorers in history and of course, we will also be exempted from ever having to go there again.
Angela is in Pit number 572 Sector Bravo, Unit 524.”
So, let me play the dream.”
Jake puts the disk in the computer and plays the program. His wife appears in a pit of flames. There are four or five demons like creatures whipping her and telling her to work harder.
She is mining something out of the wall. There are hundreds of people in the mines, most of them standing in a pit of burning flames. She is screaming, “I am not supposed to be here. There must be a mistake. I demand to see the manager.”
The head demon walks over,
and barks out, what is your name?
“I see” he says, consulting a palm-held computer.
“Oh, here we are. Yeah, you should be in the other place. Must be one of those computer glitches. Well, it is too complicated to fix and too much paperwork. If you had some money on you, say 100,000 dollars perhaps I could fix it. But where in hell are you going to get that kind of cash?”
He laughs and laughs.
Angela turns and screams out “Help me. Save me from Hell. I am in Pit number 572 Sector Bravo, Unit 524.”
The head demon laughs and the demons start whipping her again and again.
The image fades away.
Jake turns to his friends and says,
“I have had that dream every night since she died. As you know I dreamt about meeting her for 8 years before I met her and so I believe she is telling the truth and that she is in hell in that pit and that if we can make it to hell and bribe her head demon we might make it back alive with her. So, whether or not you believe me, I want you to join me on this crusade. Are you in or not?”
We set off on our big adventure one Friday afternoon at rush hour and entered the subway system. We assemble at the appointed spot in the subway system and chanted the mantra from one of the books of hell. A doorway opens in the air and we climb through.
The door closes behind us and we find ourself in a mirror image of the subway entrance. A bored booth attendant dressed in a gothic black suit, looks at us and comes to attention when he notices our attire.
‘“What can I do for you inspector? “.
Jake tells them we are on a special mission and must locate an Angela Lee who was sentenced six months ago. He looks it up on the computer and hums and haws.
“Well hells bells. There is a woman here by that name but the book also says she should be in the other place. Must be one of those infernal computer glitches. But what the hell can you do about that shit?”
Jake turns to him and says,
“Bernie, my friend. Here’s the deal. Here is 500 dollars and a pass to the outer world for you if you help us, and 500 more when we return. No questions asked or reported. Do we have an understanding. Nod if you agree. “
He nods, grins and says
“You got it my man. I heard about you and your quest. Lots of us are secretly rooting for you. Your outfits are good. If anyone asks for paperwork, tell them the only paperwork they will see is green and show them the money. That usually works. If not, shoot them. They will be out for a few days. We can’t die as we are the undead . Good luck and all that shit. You will need it. Take the A train to Hell Central, get off and transfer to the B train and stay on to the central coal pit, then get off and tell the chief super there Kim the Korean dude in charge that Bernie – that’s me – says you are okay. He will need to be paid 100 thousand in cash in 20 dollar bills. If you have the cash, go ahead otherwise come back tomorrow. He will help you find your lady but you got to know that if HE, the MAN downstairs, finds out you will all fry. I Ain’t putting my neck on the line for you guys not at all.”
And her immediate pit boss, Mr. Black will need at least five G’s to look the other way and you may have to bribe a few others so I hope you have lots of cash and are serious dudes. If you ain’t you better leave now before I am required to report this shit. I will give you gents ten minutes to get the hell out of here. “…
We thank Mr. Bernie and enter the next A train. The train leaves the station and we gasp as we enter Hell passing through the central hell sign.
Miles and miles of open pits with fires burning everywhere and sounds of people screaming in endless agony. All along the streets of the city are filled with desperate looking people, dressed in rags. Guys in zoot suits dressed like us walk about shooting people for fun. The dead die again but come back to life so to speak minutes later in even worst pain. There are bars on every corner selling all sorts of illegal drugs and prostitutes are everywhere promising all sorts of sexual delights for a price.
Some of our company, the guys are talking about stopping off for a drink or two. Matt stop them and remind them of the mission and say that if they as much drink a drop of hell booze they will never be allowed to leave. That shuts everyone for a while.
The train soon becomes a roller coaster and goes up and down up and down. People get on and off but everyone avoids looking at us as our attire convinces everyone that we are part of Hell’s feared internal security Gestapo, the Hell Secret Police, headed by Hitler and Stalin. Robert waives his Tommy gun in the air a couple of times when people get too close.
They get off at Hell Central which is a mirror image of Grand Central but incredibly crowded, noisy, smoky and smelly as hell. They finally find a way out and transfer to the B line, and it takes them deep into the cavernous pits of hell. Jake had heard a story that Satan had a deal with the coal companies where he mined coal using slave labor and export the coal to a mine somewhere in Pennsylvania coal country where it was brought to the surface. The coal companies sold it at market rates and kicked back the profits. The same person told Jake that Satan had lots of connections with politicians, businessmen and the like and his spies were everywhere on earth. Satan was plotting to take over but somehow never quite made it. The other side he said also had their angels on earth as well. Good and evil were ever in constant battle and good seemed to have more magical power than evil. But Satan was gaining his power. Part of it was that no one believed in him anymore which gave him plausible a deniablility, a phrase he had taught the CIA, which he had set up as part of his secret army on earth.
His agents, the Hell Demons were everywhere and had long ago bought off the political classes. They kept going deeper and deeper into the bowels of hell. The stench was overpowering but they were all wearing masks infused with garlic which was supposed to prevent them from becoming overpowered by the demonic stench. Finally, after two hours they entered the coal company site. They walk up and demand to see Mr. Kim the super and Mr. Black site supervisor of Sector 572.. Robert waives his Tommy gun around.
Jake screams out and yells saying,
“Get Mr. Kim and Mr. Black here right now, if you do there is a thousand dollars in unmarked bills waiting for you. If not, well you know what we can do to you. Mr….”
“Barry White, sir. Right away sir.” He picks up a phone, and Jake’s snatches it away, saying
“Get them in person, no phone calls. We are not here and you have not seen us. This is a top secret Q code word mission, you understand? So get them right now or I will report this unfortunate refusal to carry out a directive from the Central HQ.”
‘The super comes out, a big, burly Korean guy.
‘“Mr. Kim, Bernie from the Hell central station says hi and that you would be cool. We have something for your services after we conclude his business. We are on a top secret mission and your cooperation will be noted and rewarded. You catch my drift?”
Yeah, Bernie’s cool. We were Hell mates came into together into the service. What can I do for you fine gentlemen and ladies?
He leers at the ladies in our group.
They glare back.
“Well it is very need to know. Q code word you know. All I can tell you is we have secret orders to bring Angela Lee to the surface to identify a traitor to the Satanic mission on earth. This comes from HIM you know what I mean?”
“HIM? Q level? Well let’s see what I can find. Well let me see. I need some paperwork.”
Jake points the gun at him, saying
“This is urgent top-secret work, covert shit code word q level and all and we would pay you 100 g’s in Earth money if you bring the girl out and look the other way. We will need a 24 pass to cover her travel and keep you from getting into too much trouble.”
He looks at Jake and says make it “150 g’s and you got a deal”
. Jake and Mr. Kim finally settle on 100 K for Mr. Kim, and 40 K for Mr. Black and 5 G’s for each of her cell mates. a total of 160 K. Jake says to Matt,
“Bernie was right on mark. We need to take him with us in case we run into any problems exiting Hell”.
Mr. Black calls an assistant and says take these gentlemen to sector 577. That is where we would find the lady. He turns to us and says,
““Look I can lose her for a day or so. You must have her back within 36 hours or all sorts of heads
will roll. If she is not back within 36 hours, I will have to report this and will have to report this highly irregular action.. I ain’t being demoted to being one of them hell no. I ain’t. You understand me, Dude?
“You need to give me 10,000 more so I can bribe some more people so we can keep this on 2T. No need for the MAN to know about it until you complete your “mission”.
Breaking Out of Hell
He then says he has some TV to watch and would give us 30 minutes to get her and get back on the train. I tell several of my group to stay behind with Mr. Black, and take the train after we leave. Jake, Pat, Robert, Keith, and Matt, get on the mini-tram and go into the pits with the guard, Mr. Ramesh, a former Indian customs official
He turns to Jake and says in gujarati,
“હેય, હું તમને યાદ કરું છું. તમે બોમ્બેમાં રહેતા હતા વિઝા આપતા કોન્સ્યુલેટમાં કામ કરતા હતા. હા હું તમને યાદ કરું છું. Hēya, huṁ tamanē yāda karuṁ chuṁ. Tamē bōmbēmāṁ rahētā hatā vijhā āpatā kōnsyu lēṭamāṁ kāma karatā hatā. Hā huṁ tamanē yāda karuṁ chuṁ. Hey, did’nt you used to work in Bombay at the US consulate doing visas? I remember you.”
“હા, હું ત્યાં deepંડા છુપાયેલા રહેતો હતો, તમને તેની સાથે સમસ્યા થઈ છે, મારા ભાઈ?
Hā, huṁ tyāṁ deepṇḍā chupāyēlā rahētō hatō, tamanē tēnī sāthē samasyā tha’ī chē, mārā bhā’ī?yeah, I was undercover at the time poising as a US diplomat? You got a problem with that? “
Jake slips him 2 g’s and he smiles and says
“મારા ભાઈ, આ બધી સમસ્યાઓ હલ કરે છે. તમે કોણ છો તે હું પહેલાથી જ ભૂલી ગયો છું, અને મને કોઈ પરવા નથી. ગમે તે ડ્યૂડ.
“Mārā bhā’ī, ā badhī samasyā’ō hala karē chē. Tamē kōṇa chō tē huṁ pahēlāthī ja bhūlī gayō chuṁ, anē manē kō’ī paravā nathī. Gamē tē ḍyūḍav.“My brother, This solves all problems. I have already forgotten who the fuck you are, and I don’t care. Whatever dude. ”.
They find Angela staying in a pool of stagnant water. She is haggard, tired, and looks like shit. She is digging coal out with a shovel.
They walk up to her , telling her to play along and not reveal she knew them. they were there to rescue her.
Jake start yelling at the guards,
“We need to take this prisoner for questioning.”
One of the guards looks at them,
“Back the fuck up right now or we shoot your ass. Your choice”
He turns to pick up his intercom and Robert shoots him.
He drops dead and we know it will take a day or so for him to recover. The four other prisoners in the work detail beg us to take them with us. I tell them my mandate was only bring out Angela for questioning, but we would give them each 5000 g’s to keep quiet and forget what they had seen.
They take the money and say that
“Angela was a great woman and was always talking about her husband. We could not figure out how she got here. Maybe just a screwup in the computer files. Happens all the time. And we know not to question you guys. Just not a good thing to do at all. So, yeah, your top-secret mission shit is safe with us
They get on the track to the main office. When they get there, they decide they should take out Ramesh and Mr. Black for the time being. They thank them and then shoot them saying it was for their own good. They get on the train and head back to Hell Central.
When they get back to the exit they find Mr. Bernie waiting.
“ Hey dude. There are some police men here who want to talk to you. Apparently there has been a disturbance back at the mine. Some guards were shot. “
Jake decides to bluff.
He walks up to the head police Sergeant and barks out
“Sergeant listen carefully. I will only say this once. We are on a covert mission for the MAN downstairs. I do not have to answer to anyone other than the MAN downstairs. If you interfere it would be painful as I would have to shoot you first, then turn you over to our torture specialists, and I pointed out several of our more macho looking guys in the group.
So what will it be?”
“Well lets see some paperwork”
Matt told them the only paper they would be given would be greenbacks. They demanded 5000 g’s a piece and were adamant. Matt gave them 5,000 apiece and then shot them dead.
Jake turns to Bernie, “you coming?”
He said “hell yes. Fuck this job”
They say the mantra and find themselves in the NYC subway early in the morning.
“Bernie you have until dawn to get back. We have the special agent antidote. You need to take it now, otherwise when sun comes up you will be vaporized. Take it.”
Yeah, I head of that shit,” and pops the bill. And he runs off in search of the nearest bar.
Hell’s Reception Committee Clears Jake and Angela of all Charges
When they leave the subway, they are faced with a reception committee. Two special agents from hell are standing there looking at us. They take us to a safe house in Harlem.
Finally, they meet the agent in charge of NYC.
He looks familiar,
“I say, didn’t you used to work for the US government as a diplomat.”
Yeah, I did. Back in the day when I was a human being before ending up in Hell working for Satan. He looks at me and says
“Holly shit, I recognize the two of you. I always wondered what would happen to you. Okay, now that I know you are human beings you had better tell me the truth and you know I hate your guts. And I know you are a lying scumbag and should be in hell someday.”
“Okay, David here’s the God’s truth”
and Jake tells him the whole story. When he finished, David gets on the computer, and looks up the special rules and says,
“ Holly shit. You are right. You are your friends all are given 50 bonus years at your same age and you will all be going upstairs when you die. Listen, as a favor to us don’t publish this story. You know what kind of trouble that could cause us? Okay old friend?”
Jake promised him that he would never publish this story, but hey he lied. They were never friends, more enemies than anything else. Jake hated David, and the feeling was mutual.
Jake and Angela make it back out of hell and back to SF. His friends all made it out too, and Satan honored rule number 214 B.
A few months later, Jake dies and find himself in heaven. He is met by at the gateway to heaven by Mike, a big, muscular, burly bouncer who serves as the gatekeeper to heaven. He has a big sign up saying welcome to Mike’s place the best bar in the limbo zone. The bar is filled with people waiting to determine whether they are going to go to heaven or hell. Mike says as Jake enters that it may take a few days before things are sorted out. Jake is directed to a table where he is given a choice of accommodations – i.e. simple, dormitory-style rooms outback, with meals and drinks included.
Jake Becomes A Secret Agent for God
Jake gets his bed organized and goes back to the bar and has a beer and sit down and chat with his fellow inmates. Some have been there for days, some weeks and some years. Apparently, it takes a long time to process the paperwork, and then you must go through a trial. Once the trial is over with you either go to heaven (10 percent) back to earth in a new life, 50% or to hell the remaining 30%. Most people get a second or third chance in life to learn how to be good. If you end up most of the time doing the right thing you end up in heaven, on the other hand, if most of the time you end up doing the wrong, evil thing you end up in hell. Most go back to do it again and again until they get it right. God is merciful but has his patience and the devil must get his due.
Mike comes back and says,
“Well, you are famous in these parts. God was most impressed with your work and Satan as well. So, we are sending you back to earth where you will be given 50 years at your current ages, to work for us as unofficial agents, doing uncover work working against the enemy now that you’ve been there. You can go again as you have a get out of Hell free card.