third of my fake food rants for today mostly related to fake booze i.e. fake alcoholic beverages, fake beer, fake wine, fake vodka, fake beer, fake rum, and some success stories in the battle against fake things – development of real soju and Malaki traditional drinks in Korea that are now mostly real booze not the chemical based booze of a few years ago
these are my poems about “fake booze” from the wide variety of alcohol free booze, to chemically produced booze, it seems that it is hard to get real old fashioned unadulterated booze these days. Oh well.
Fake booze
I never really understood
The concept of alcohol-free booze
Alcohol-free beer
Alcohol-free wine
I don’t get Mocktails
And I don’t get fruit beer
And coffee beer
And other the other weirdo drinks
That people drink these days
I mean when you drink booze
You want the alcohol
You want the buzz
You need the booze
And you want it now
And frankly fake booze
Just does not do it for me
So please no fake beer
No mocktails
No fake wine for me
As the song puts it
One scotch, one bourbon
And one beer
So, either give me the real deal
Or give me a cup of tea
Or coffee or water or juice
Or whatever
But don’t serve me fake booze
Comment: I also don’t get fake alcohol although like fake coffee I may eventually learn to like it. But not yet…
end comment
Fake Beer
Nowadays
When you order a beer
You have so many
choices to make
You can order a craft beer
Or in Korea a fake craft beer
You can order a stout, an IPA
You can order draft beer
You can order canned beer
You can order keg beer
You can order bottled beer
You can order freshly brewed beer
You can order fruit beer
You can order corn beer
You can order gluten-free beer
You can order fortified beer
You can order alcohol free beer
You can order low-alcohol beer
near bear
or no-alcohol beer
You can order light beer
You can order dark beer
And if you are insane
You can order coffee infused beer
But nowhere in this fake world
That we live in
Can you simply say
Give me a beer
And get a god damn beer
No more choices
Just give me
a damn beer
Is that too much to ask
Or Beer Gods?
comment: another poem about fake booze – in this case fake beer end comment
Fake Wine
Like beer
Wine has evolved
Into so many damn choices
White wine
Red wine
Rose white
Dark wine
Chardonnay, sauvignon blanc,
pinot grigio
wine from any of the 49 US states
and 7 Canadian provinces
Arizona “Rattle Snake” wine anyone?
wine from 20 European countries
including Great Britain
due to global warming
wine from Australia
wine from New Zeeland
wine from South Africa
and even wine from India
South Korea and Japan
and various types of fruit wines
strawberry wine
apple wine
persimmon wine
but all I want to have
is a simple glass of wine
a real glass of wine
made from real grapes
and I don’t give a %$%%
where it is from
or what type of grape it is
just give me my wine
and leave me the bill
comments: another poem about fake booze – in this case fake wine end comments
the King of Fake Beer
Years ago, in America
A beer manufacturer
Discovered that it did not matter
Whether he made a decent beer or not
All he had to do
Was hire the right marketing genius
And spend a gazillion of dollars
To convince the world
That his fake lousy beer
Was not only the real deal
But the best you could get
And the rest is history
Another poem about fake booze – in this case fake beer and the awesome power marketing. I assume some people like this beer but for me, it is the worst beer in the world. My personal opinion so if someone from this company is reading this and wants to sue me go ahead Make my day! I consider this beer “fake beer” because I am sure that it would fail the German beer purity laws and I am sure it is filled with chemical enhancers but I could be wrong, perhaps it is real beer, just the worst tasting beer there is in my humble opinion.
Fake Rum
Another poem about fake booze – in this case fake rum and the awesome power marketing that make the worst rum in the world the number one selling rum in the world! My personal preference – I like Mount Guy rum, I only drink this unnamed rum if there is no choice and I want a rum drink. My personal opinion so if someone from the company is reading and wants to sue me go ahead Make my day! Again I assume that it has lots of chemical enhancers but who knows it could be real rum but the advertising makes it a fake rum in my opinion as they falsely claim it is the best rum in the world.
In Puerto Rico
An exiled rum maker
Discovered the same secret
And turned his rum
The worst rum in the world
According to rum heads
Into the best-selling rum
In the world
Forever ruining the image
Of rum
Among non-rum drinkers
Who associate rum
With his overly sweat
Rum product
Real rum is a delicious
Well-crafted complex drink
And every island in the Caribbean
Central America, Hawaii
Australia, Thailand
And even some states in the US
Have their national rums
All of which
Are far better
Than the fake rum
Sold around the world
But that hardly matters
In a world of fake things
Marketing rules the world
Fake Vodka
vodka
Used to a Russian thing
Not anymore
Vodka
Used to made out
Of potatoes
Not any more
Now Vodka
Is made everywhere
In France, in Sweden
In Poland, In Russia
In the Ukraine
And even in Texas
And vodka
Now is made with herbs
Potatoes, sweet potatoes
Corn, rye and so much more
And some vodka
Is made with chemical enhancers
But for me
Give me
A straight shot
Of proper Russian
Potato made vodka
Fake Soju
There is some good news
In the war
Against fake food
Soju
The Korean drink of choice
Used to be made out of chemicals
But 20 years ago
The government allowed soju
To be made with real grains again
And so artisanal soju was born
Now you can get soju
Real soju made from sweet potatoes
According to ancient recipes
But soju has been watered down
No longer packs quite the punch
Still the cheapest drink
In the world
Fake Malkali
More good news
In the endless war
Against fake food
In Korea, you can now get
Artisanal malkali
The Korean rice wine
Malkali the drink of farmers
Used to be made out of chemicals
But the government legalized
100 real rice wine
Decades ago
When malkali became the latest thing
As Koreans rediscovered traditional culture
And malkali the drink of farmers
Became the drink of the urban intellectual set