Here are four types of sushi you should watch out for if you spot them on a menu, based on Oceana’s findings: 1. Wild Salmon. Salmon is actually one of your best bets in avoiding fake fish when it …
third of my fake food rants for today mostly related to fake booze i.e. fake alcoholic beverages, fake beer, fake wine, fake vodka, fake beer, fake rum, and some success stories in the battle against fake things – development of real soju and Malaki traditional drinks in Korea that are now mostly real booze not the chemical based booze of a few years ago
these are my poems about “fake booze” from the wide variety of alcohol free booze, to chemically produced booze, it seems that it is hard to get real old fashioned unadulterated booze these days. Oh well.
Fake booze
I never really understood
The concept of alcohol-free booze
Alcohol-free beer
Alcohol-free wine
I don’t get Mocktails
And I don’t get fruit beer
And coffee beer
And other the other weirdo drinks
That people drink these days
I mean when you drink booze
You want the alcohol
You want the buzz
You need the booze
And you want it now
And frankly fake booze
Just does not do it for me
So please no fake beer
No mocktails
No fake wine for me
As the song puts it
One scotch, one bourbon
And one beer
So, either give me the real deal
Or give me a cup of tea
Or coffee or water or juice
Or whatever
But don’t serve me fake booze
Comment: I also don’t get fake alcohol although like fake coffee I may eventually learn to like it. But not yet…
end comment
Fake Beer
Nowadays
When you order a beer
You have so many
choices to make
You can order a craft beer
Or in Korea a fake craft beer
You can order a stout, an IPA
You can order draft beer
You can order canned beer
You can order keg beer
You can order bottled beer
You can order freshly brewed beer
You can order fruit beer
You can order corn beer
You can order gluten-free beer
You can order fortified beer
You can order alcohol free beer
You can order low-alcohol beer
near bear
or no-alcohol beer
You can order light beer
You can order dark beer
And if you are insane
You can order coffee infused beer
But nowhere in this fake world
That we live in
Can you simply say
Give me a beer
And get a god damn beer
No more choices
Just give me
a damn beer
Is that too much to ask
Or Beer Gods?
comment: another poem about fake booze – in this case fake beer end comment
Fake Wine
Like beer
Wine has evolved
Into so many damn choices
White wine
Red wine
Rose white
Dark wine
Chardonnay, sauvignon blanc,
pinot grigio
wine from any of the 49 US states
and 7 Canadian provinces
Arizona “Rattle Snake” wine anyone?
wine from 20 European countries
including Great Britain
due to global warming
wine from Australia
wine from New Zeeland
wine from South Africa
and even wine from India
South Korea and Japan
and various types of fruit wines
strawberry wine
apple wine
persimmon wine
but all I want to have
is a simple glass of wine
a real glass of wine
made from real grapes
and I don’t give a %$%%
where it is from
or what type of grape it is
just give me my wine
and leave me the bill
comments: another poem about fake booze – in this case fake wine end comments
the King of Fake Beer
Years ago, in America
A beer manufacturer
Discovered that it did not matter
Whether he made a decent beer or not
All he had to do
Was hire the right marketing genius
And spend a gazillion of dollars
To convince the world
That his fake lousy beer
Was not only the real deal
But the best you could get
And the rest is history
Another poem about fake booze – in this case fake beer and the awesome power marketing. I assume some people like this beer but for me, it is the worst beer in the world. My personal opinion so if someone from this company is reading this and wants to sue me go ahead Make my day! I consider this beer “fake beer” because I am sure that it would fail the German beer purity laws and I am sure it is filled with chemical enhancers but I could be wrong, perhaps it is real beer, just the worst tasting beer there is in my humble opinion.
Fake Rum
Another poem about fake booze – in this case fake rum and the awesome power marketing that make the worst rum in the world the number one selling rum in the world! My personal preference – I like Mount Guy rum, I only drink this unnamed rum if there is no choice and I want a rum drink. My personal opinion so if someone from the company is reading and wants to sue me go ahead Make my day! Again I assume that it has lots of chemical enhancers but who knows it could be real rum but the advertising makes it a fake rum in my opinion as they falsely claim it is the best rum in the world.
In Puerto Rico
An exiled rum maker
Discovered the same secret
And turned his rum
The worst rum in the world
According to rum heads
Into the best-selling rum
In the world
Forever ruining the image
Of rum
Among non-rum drinkers
Who associate rum
With his overly sweat
Rum product
Real rum is a delicious
Well-crafted complex drink
And every island in the Caribbean
Central America, Hawaii
Australia, Thailand
And even some states in the US
Have their national rums
All of which
Are far better
Than the fake rum
Sold around the world
But that hardly matters
In a world of fake things
Marketing rules the world
Fake Vodka
vodka
Used to a Russian thing
Not anymore
Vodka
Used to made out
Of potatoes
Not any more
Now Vodka
Is made everywhere
In France, in Sweden
In Poland, In Russia
In the Ukraine
And even in Texas
And vodka
Now is made with herbs
Potatoes, sweet potatoes
Corn, rye and so much more
And some vodka
Is made with chemical enhancers
But for me
Give me
A straight shot
Of proper Russian
Potato made vodka
Fake Soju
soju
There is some good news
In the war
Against fake food
Soju
The Korean drink of choice
Used to be made out of chemicals
But 20 years ago
The government allowed soju
To be made with real grains again
And so artisanal soju was born
Now you can get soju
Real soju made from sweet potatoes
According to ancient recipes
But soju has been watered down
No longer packs quite the punch
Still the cheapest drink
In the world
Fake Malkali
More good news
In the endless war
Against fake food
In Korea, you can now get
Artisanal malkali
The Korean rice wine
Malkali the drink of farmers
Used to be made out of chemicals
But the government legalized
100 real rice wine
Decades ago
When malkali became the latest thing
As Koreans rediscovered traditional culture
And malkali the drink of farmers
Became the drink of the urban intellectual set
These are my poems about fake food. this is the first part of my “fake food” chapbook which is a sub-set of my “Fake Things” manuscript. I hope to shop both around for publication in the Spring. For both collection I use as a working definition of “fake” anything that is not 100 percent the original deal or state. Thus most of the world we live in is that sense “fake” fake things can be better than the original, or just meet a different need but some are insidious like “fake food”. I have posted some of these earlier, and they can be found on Cosmosfunnel, All poetry, Hello Poetry (where is trending whatever that means) and poetry magnum opus.
of course these opinions are entirely my own and do not reflect the opinions of any my prior employers.
here we go my poems about fake food! comments and feedback welcomed.
Fake Food
in this world of fake things
Nothing is more fake
Than the food we eat
Most of the fake food crap we eat
Is nothing but chemicals
And flavorings
Added to a small amount
Of real food
All packaged and sold
And marketed
Scientifically designed to taste good
So we eat the poisoned food
And get sicker and sicker
While the food industry giants
Make obscene profits
Selling us poison
Comments: almost all processed food sold in the market is fake in the sense that it has chemicals and preservatives added to it along with gluten, corn syrup and who knows what else, not to mention GMO’s. Fresh fruits and vegetables often have wax on it.
it is difficult but not impossible to find real food but the big food companies don’t make a lot of profit so they push all the various processed foods on us and we mostly consume as Frank Zappa once sang,
“eat the garbage that I feed you” from ” I am the Slime” end comment
Fake coffee
I used to be a big coffee drinker
Had to have my four or five cups
Of real fresh brewed coffee
Not for me the weak instant coffee
Of decaf coffee or herbal fake coffee
But over time coffee caught up to me
And now I can not handle the real deal
And I am forced to drink decaf coffee
Which is a kind of fake coffee to me
Or herbal coffee
Which is entirely fake
Designed to taste like the real thing
But without that caffeine kick
That true coffee drinkers crave
Since we are all caffeine addicts at heart
Just need that rush to get going
And keep going
And the fake coffee
Just does not do the trick
And so, I am doomed
To drink decaf coffee
And fake coffee
Missing my real cup of coffee
Until the day I enjoy the last drop
comment:
I do like my coffee so I drink a cup of decaf almost every day and once in a great while real coffee and I will resume drinking herbal coffee but these are fake in the sense that coffee in its original state has caffeine in it. see my other coffee poems on my web page. Several have been published. Particularly snarling cup of coffee.
here in Korea, there seems to be a coffee shop on every corner. Only in the last year has decaf become widely available, before then it was impossible to find anywhere so there is progress for those like me who can’t handle caffeine.
When I go to a vegetarian restaurant
I often encounter fake meat
Often called mock meat
Made out of soybeans, and other things
And I wonder
Why bother with the façade
I mean if you are a vegan
Be a vegan
Don’t eat or make fake meat
You don’t need it
You really don’t like it
And it is somehow
just wrong to me
So please no more fake meat
No more tofu turkey for me
Either give me my meat
Or give me my vegan delight
comment: no offense to my vegan friends, but I just don’t get the concept of fake meat. I have had some great fake meat dishes and enjoyed it but just don’t get the concept. end comments
Fake fish
Everywhere in the world
When you eat fish
In a restaurant
The restaurant owners
Claim it is salmon or tuna
Or other delicious fish
But the sad reality
60 percent of the time
You are eating fake fish
The fish may be fish
Or may not be fish
But if it is indeed fish
It is probably tilapia
Or some other cheap
Bottom feeding scumbag fish
Filled with toxins
And possibly tape worms
And other parasites
And as you eat your delicious fish
You are eating the fake fish
And helping the fish industry
Continue this con game
But there is nothing you can do
Except for catching your own fish
And preparing it yourself
So, when you eat fish
Pretend if you must
That you eating salmon or tuna
While you eat your tilapia
And pay the salmon/tuna premium price
comment: there are so many fake fish products in the market. one study estimated that less than 50 percent of the time the customers are getting what they thought they had ordered, and it is difficult to tell at times whether the fish you eating is the real deal. Here in Korea though you can buy real fish from the fish market and be somewhat assured that you are eating the real deal. End comment
